Ladies Kickin' Ass

#135 - The Rocks in Our Backpack: Navigating Emotional Challenges with Jennifer Thom

• Tanya Wilson • Episode 135

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After experiencing the unimaginable on a fateful Christmas Day, Jennifer Thom's journey from Kenya to Alberta led her on a profound path through the world of grief and healing. She shares her inspiring story, illustrating how navigating personal loss can ignite a passion for helping others. Jennifer opens up about her transformation from a troubled adolescence to becoming a funeral director, revealing how her work and her husband have brought purpose and fulfillment. Together, they have turned grief into a compassionate mission, showing that empathy and community can build the resilience to face life's toughest challenges.

Throughout our conversation, Jennifer and I explore the weight of emotional burdens and the importance of unpacking them to lead a more meaningful life. We liken these burdens to "rocks in a backpack," which can be unknowingly added by the words and actions of others. By addressing these emotional weights, whether from loss or day-to-day life, we can learn to travel light, focusing on what truly matters. We delve into the transformative nature of grief, discussing how personal healing can begin with small steps like writing letters of forgiveness or simply acknowledging the need to let go.

As we reflect on personal perspectives and societal shifts, we emphasize the celebration of life and the importance of living without regrets. Jennifer shares poignant anecdotes about coping with loss differently than her husband, reminding us of the need to respect individual grieving processes. Our discussion highlights the beauty of cherishing relationships and living intentionally, embracing each day with love and gratitude. By the episode's end, we raise a toast to the powerful community of women in the service industry, encouraging them to embrace their strength and continue making a significant impact in the world.

Takeaways

  • We all experience more than 40 losses in our lives.
  • Grief is not just about losing a loved one; it encompasses many forms of loss.
  • Everyone collects "rocks in their backpack" - learn how & why!
  • Unpacking our emotional burdens is essential for healing.
  • Living intentionally can help us appreciate life more fully.
  • We grieve differently, and that's okay.
  • Community support is crucial during times of grief.

Connect with Jennifer Thom
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Stories That Heal Podcast    
Stronger Life Connections Website
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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Ladies Kickin' Ass Podcast, where we help you ignite your inner badass and create the service business of your dreams. I'm your host, Tanya Wilson, and together we'll dive into inspiring stories and expert coaching to set your journey on fire hey, badasses, welcome back to the podcast.

Speaker 2:

Today is gonna be a doozy. I'm like grinning from ear to ear because I can see her beautiful face on the screen and I just literally just fell in love with this woman when I met her. Um, our guest today is someone that I have met through our ultra mastermind group that we're a part of with Brenda Burchard, and just what an incredible story this woman has, and I cannot wait for her to share it with you today. My guest today on the podcast is Jennifer Tom, and she is a funeral director based out of Alberta, canada, which we've never had someone like that on here before.

Speaker 2:

But service is service, and so we're going to dive into what that looks like today, how Jennifer actually got into this industry and why she continues to do this, as really it's got to be a massive labor of love to be that person for people in such a vulnerable you know, crazy time in their lives. So, jennifer, thank you so much for being on the podcast. I cannot wait for you to share your story. So why don't you give us a little bit of your background, why you got into this and why you continue to be a funeral director? Why do you love it so much?

Speaker 3:

Oh, tanya, thank you for the intro. First of all, I'm gonna say ladies kicking ass. I just love the title already.

Speaker 2:

Well, you are one, yeah.

Speaker 3:

I am just so humbled that you invited me to share my story and just share life with Ladies Kicking Ass, I think the name. I just love it so much. So again, I'm in Canada, I was born in Kenya and I'm going to tell you a fun fact about me when I get excited, I start speaking my mother tongue because English is like my fourth language. So I will try to slow it down, okay, tanya.

Speaker 2:

You're going to teach us lots of things too.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, so if I get excited and start speaking, swahiliahili, give me some like just tell me to tone it down every woman's favorite word tone it down right right.

Speaker 3:

So yes, again, I'm a funeral director. I love working with families that are going through grief and I would like to start by saying, all of us, we're going to experience more than 40 losses in our lives. So when I talk about grief or the work I do, it's just not the loss of a lab drug. I will share some part of that, but, as I tell my story just relate to any loss. Part of that, but, as I tell my story, just relate to any loss. And when I say we'll experience more than 40 losses in our lives, I'm talking about loss of friendship, loss of trust, loss of health, divorce, change, moving. All these are losses that bring us to grief. So this is my heart, soul, passion to talk about grief. And I know we all don't like it. It's not kicking ass, you know.

Speaker 2:

It is, though that is such a kick-ass thing to be able to one love to talk about that, Because it's one of those things where it's so easy. As human beings, we like to like blow up everything that's great and grandeur in our lives and all these celebrations, but there's a lot of like tough shit that happens too, and it's the stuff that we don't want to talk about and we kind of bury it down, and I think sometimes that can be grief. I know I've definitely went through stuff that you may bury that down for a long time, but man does it reappear somewhere along the line. So I think it's wonderful what you're doing.

Speaker 3:

It does, it does. And, tanya, I'm just glad you mentioned that Because I always say, given Inali's illustration, it's like a back. We're all born with an empty back. Okay, and it's light, and you know, and as you do, life and life events happen. Something happens, a life event happens, and it's like a rock, you put it in the backpack. So, for example, when you're a child and somebody bullies you, you don't talk about it, you put it in the backpack. And as you grow, something else happens. You put it in the backpack.

Speaker 3:

And we get to our age, like ladies kicking us age group, and our backpack gets so heavy because we've had life, we've experienced things and guess what? All that is grief. And if we don't know how to unpack that backpack, that's when one thing happens and you see, we take it out of work, like we lose it. And I'm talking from my experience. I never thought I would throw a glass on the like, a drinking water glass, like throw it on the window, like I want to smash it, you know, but it's because my backpack was getting so full. So, as we share, let's start thinking about how do we unpack our backpacks, as that lady's kicking ass today, right? So yeah, again. I'll just go back.

Speaker 3:

Uh, I was born in kenya and it was on a christmas day and, uh, our family had gathered and we're all having such a beautiful time I mean, it's christmas, okay, and people from kenya I mean all most people like to have a good time, but we are a little extreme. Like we party, we sing, we don't even care how we sound, we're going to just party and that's what was happening. It was family sharing memories and at the end of the party, some of my family members were traveling home and there was a very tragic accident and we lost a few family members on that accident. And I have to tell you, friends, my life, our lives, have never been the same, and I'll tell you why. When there's such a big tragedy in the family it's Christmas there's a lot of, of course, the pain is so much to even express it but there's a lot of anger, there's a lot of division, there's a lot of blame, there's a lot of all the things we know that families can go through. Now that I know what, now, after my studies and research and all that that I've studied about grief, I know exactly what was happening. Okay, and some of my family members. They don't talk to each other because of that accident. So it divided us. Some of my family members, they don't talk to each other because of that accident. So it divided us.

Speaker 3:

And from there I started thinking, oh my goodness, how can a family that was just celebrating, having a deep conversation, be so divided and hate each other so much? And I feel, because of that there was something that happened in my brain. I started thinking there has to be a better way to deal with the loss. You know just little questions. But it didn't matter. So life went on. We blamed each other, we didn't like each other. This was an accident that we didn't want to talk about, and the reason we didn't want to talk about it it was so painful to talk about. So we all moved on with life. You know, remember the backpack? So that was a big rock that I put in my backpack, couldn't talk about it. It's all good, let's go.

Speaker 3:

So life continued and shortly after my dad died suddenly he had a stroke and I. So I wonder now, maybe he did not know how to deal with it or there was something? I don't know the answers. He just died suddenly and let me tell you that was another rock that ran through my back book and I was like what is this? And it wasn't a long duration, it was just a short duration where we lose family members, and now my dad. Where we lose family members and then now my dad, and uh and uh. The saddest part is that I did not make it to my dad's funeral, and I'm gonna tell you up to today as it still bothers me, but it has something to do with culture and how they handle it, and so another backpack didn't talk about it, don't tell anyone.

Speaker 3:

We continued the life and at this time I'm in my mid-teens, like I'm a teenager, like maybe 1920, 19 there and uh, I thought I was a really bad, I thought I was a good teenager, but I started doing things that were not very good. Yeah, and now that I know why, I just started acting up like throwing glasses, getting so mad, just drinking a little too much, like I just did. And then, all of a sudden, I wanted to escape from all this pain and angry people and division and all the things. So I started making a plan or how to escape to just leave the pain. The pain was so much that I couldn't deal with it. I did not know how to deal, I did not have the resources. I just wanted to escape.

Speaker 3:

Fast forward, because we don't have five hours here on Ladies Kicking Us. I'll just say it forward. I met a boyfriend and we made a plan. I shared my story and it's like we would watch all the Hollywood movies. We were like, let's escape to Hollywood. I'm like, oh, you know where they make the movies Beautiful, guess what? We made a plan Before you leave the country, I had to get a visa. We go to the visa office. They give him permission to go. They tell me you have to wait, you don't need to go right now. There was another rock, like I'm not kidding, I just felt like I'm somebody else, had died, because now he's gonna go and leave me behind and we are separated and he was like my anchor. So my backpack kept getting heavier as we. I did life. So he went to the States and then he said you know, come visit Canada. I thought it was close by long stories. Fast forward. I did end up in Canada to come go to school with an intention to just meet up. And I came to Canada and we were excited.

Speaker 3:

By this time time, friends, we're talking like we are married because, like, life has happened and now we're like my wife. I'm like, okay, so I did what I needed to do and it was time for me to go see him, because now I've got all my things together and that's why I told you I need my nose will start running, even though just like that. And when I was about to go meet with him and do life together, his friend called me and he said Phil was in a car accident. And I said, okay, let me backtrack. Let me backtrack a little bit, just wait. Oh man, it's okay, I'll get through this. I've told this story 101 times. It's never easy. It's still in my backpack. I'm like this rock has never gotten out, for sure, anyway. So we are planning to get together and we are excited and it's time to go see him. And because of the trauma from the accident, I said please, whatever you do, do not drink and drive. He goes oh no, i'm'm just gonna go party. You come in, he goes to the party and he drives home. And that night I get a call from his friend that he was in a car accident and he said which hospital? And he said he died on the spot and tanya. This was the biggest rock in my back, this.

Speaker 3:

I became suicidal. I did not see how I could live, like my life that's it. I thought it's over, like there is no way. And so I believe that was my turning point when I decided I am not meant to live in Canada, I'm not going to Hollywood, I'm going to go back to Kenya. And going back to Kenya meant I started thinking I need to go help, I need to do something. And I believe at that time, because I was grieving and it was a lot I decided I need to figure out how to help people who have gone through loss, grief, like tragic things in their lives, and I need to walk beside them if I survive this. And that's when I found a university in Canada and they do funeral directing and embalming, and I applied and he said that's it, I'm going to study, I'm going to figure this out and I'm going back home to help. And so I did this program.

Speaker 3:

I never thought I would make it Like really. I thought I thought there's no like really. If you knew where I came from, we all were superstitious about death and I'm one of them, so I never thought I would make it. But let me tell you it was a miracle. I mean, I think my why was so big. I didn't even care what I needed to do. I needed to do it. All the fear, the doubt, tanya, I was like I'm doing it Okay, so I finished and fast forward. I guess I loved it so much and I loved what I was doing. I loved working with families and kind of loved it so much so that I married a funeral director talk about kind of a full circle, huh yes, I married a funeral director and I'll tell you where I married him.

Speaker 3:

I told him this the way I've shared with ladies kicking ass here. I told him the whole story and I said I'm going to kenya to help people who are grieving, and he's a funeral director, and he said I'll come with you. I'm like, oh, like someone has a heart like I do.

Speaker 2:

Yes, oh, that's beautiful.

Speaker 3:

So we got married and fast forward again. We got married, we have two kids and 20 years later, we both decided to start a funeral home and our mission is to work with people who are grieving, help families when they lose a loved one. And it's been great. I love the experience, I love everything, I love the funeral, I love everything that I do. But I'm going to tell you something, as I've been doing this work for two decades like 20 years I sit back and I watch people after the funeral and I watch people who've lost their loved one, I watch mothers who have lost a child and we do beautiful work and I watch them go home and, tanya, I always think who is helping them when they go to sleep?

Speaker 3:

Because, I'm telling you, grief doesn't start when you're surrounded by everybody. Grief starts when you're alone and the lights are out, and that's when it hits oh, my dad is no longer there. Oh, my cousin that I love so much died. Oh, my fiance. I wonder how life would be.

Speaker 3:

We start questioning this when you're right, and so this has been something hard thinking, and so, after so many, so much time of thinking and going through it, I decided enough is enough. I need to do something about it. And that's what, like you ladies kicking ass, I'm sure you know. You know like something happens and it's, it's in your belly. It's like a calling and we try to avoid it, but it's still there and one day you say enough is enough. I'm gonna do it. And guess what I did? I wrote a book what flowers are internet and I shared this story, but it has so many journaling pages where I share my thoughts and families can share their thoughts and when they're alone, and this is where we started Stronger Life Connections and this is all grief resources. So I'm on this mission to create grief resources for families who are, because I know I was there, tang, I was there when my fiancé died and I have a friend who came and said oh, you're young, you'll get another boyfriend.

Speaker 3:

I'm like, oh my gosh right like people will say things, thinking they're helping but doesn't help. So this book talks about things to say, things not to say you're teaching everybody right.

Speaker 3:

So that's my story and that's why we are here. So we have the funeral, we have the grief resources and we continue to find ways and modalities to help families and as they learn, is that then you realize it's not just loss of a lab done. We grieve from all the 40 losses. So what we do with it. That is why we're here, to create all the tools.

Speaker 3:

I think we all need a toolbox, uh, that if a life event, one of the life events that I just mentioned, happens, you can go back in the toolbox, use it, remove the rock from your backpack so that you, if another event happens, you're grieving in the present. Because what happens our backpack when it's so heavy? We grieve in those things that happened. But if we have our toolbox now, we can be in the present and deal with the present. I don't know, tanya, if you've met um, if you've seen friends or family like you meet them. And I'm not saying every loss is unique, but sometimes it's something that Someone just Drove slowly or did something and someone just loses it. You know it has nothing to do With how you drove. The backpack is full and they're just like.

Speaker 2:

That's it. It's like a kettle. I think we owe it to ourselves to really stop after this podcast, after the podcast, not now, but stop after this podcast and examine your backpack. Is it heavy, like? Are you at that point where you're just like stuffing shit together, trying to get the zipper to hold it together because sooner or later that thing is gonna pop? And I've been there plenty of times because you're like not a big deal, not a big deal.

Speaker 2:

And many I see that many high achievers, which are a lot of people that listen to this podcast, a lot of the group that we're associated with, they just stuff it down and stuff it down. I'm okay, I, I'm good, I'm this, I'm that. You know, I was just having a conversation with my husband this morning. We had a big event last night and it was a really great awards event. It was this really big, amazing, beautiful event and he's like it was so great, I'm so proud of it. You know, like all the accolades, like I should be on cloud nine, but when I got home, like I am just at that point of like I it's beautiful while you're there, but you need to like come home and just like decompression mode, where a lot of people, like my husband, you know, jake like he's very just like we should keep partying forever, you know, and like for me I'm like there's the high of highs but then it goes to a really low of lows, because I know that there's stuff in there, like sometimes you get inside of that backpack and you're like, but what about this? But what about this? And all those rocks that are in there start piling on top of you to the point that you can't even celebrate the things that you're supposed to be doing.

Speaker 2:

Many of those traumas or those losses, if you will just reappear at the craziest times, and it's not even necessarily the death of someone, it's the death of a relationship, it's the death of a friendship, it's, you know, the death of this job position that you had. Or, you know, even as we're changing and we have older kids, you know, it's like you're having to take a new identity as their mother, because you don't have to be there taking care of them physically all the time. So I think we really have to stop and look at it. Look in the backpack, don't be scared of what's in there, because we need to be able to figure out how to take some of those rocks out.

Speaker 2:

I love that analogy. Oh my gosh, that is so good. As you're talking through this whole thing, I'm yep, that rock's still in there. Yep, that one is. And even when you're like I've been to counseling, I've figured this out you have to continuously keep going into that toolbox. I love what you said about that, because maybe you're looking at it and you're like I don't have anything in my backpack.

Speaker 2:

That doesn't mean that you won't yes tiny you nailed it so so good, that is a whole new. I just like epiphany. Of course, I knew this conversation was going to be stellar today, but I was just like, oh my gosh, there is a lot of grief. You know, that happens with things.

Speaker 3:

That isn't just death yeah, yeah, and I love the way we just shared here that you know, as you like, you unload the backpack so that you walk light, because and I don't like to say at least, however, I say it because if it's not now, it's coming, it is late we're going to be hit by 40 losses in our lifetime. So if you're at number five, 35 more is coming. Just say it. And how beautiful would it be. When we are prepared, so that we are in the present, we are in the present, we'll breathe in the present and knowing that we are all unique and we deal with things, uh, differently. I mean even covid, like that is big and no wonder the mental health was up, like, yeah, you do not know what to do, it's a loss. Like you had a job, now you have to stay home. Now all the things, all changes. But did we put those rocks in our backpack and we are carrying them around, or are we walking light? And I love, I love, I love. I have this analogy, tanya, and it's something I'm practicing. I promise you, ladies, I haven't mastered this, I'm still working on it, just like all of us.

Speaker 3:

Right, and I said I love to travel and I do travel light. I love traveling light and I want it to to be my reminder that I don't need a heavy backpack. I just need to travel light because I can deal with and I'm gonna say it on this podcast and my friend is going to kick me. I did not ask her permission and I will not mention her name, but I have a friend that I struggle with, or other friends who like to carry big suitcases and I have seen them continuously. We get to where we are going and they have like 10 outfits to decide and then it's not even anxiety, but there is something like it's a it's heavy to decide what to wear and wear and this doesn't feel good and you try another and I thought, oh my goodness, I only brought one, so I have no choice. I have to wear it so I'm able to enjoy my one outfit and not have this energy or heaviness around me because I'm going light.

Speaker 3:

And this is actually. I didn't plan to share this, but this is my own mental being about my backpack. I want to travel light. I don't want, you know, life is too much, there's a lot in life. What if I just travel light? Life is too much, there's a lot in life. What is this trouble like? And my lightness is even to take just my little hand luggage. I don't need many decisions to make. And then I'm there, present, enjoying my friends, without thinking oh, this outfit, I should have worn the other one. Oh, my shoes, right, like all the things. And then you miss out on your one-on-one relationships with others because of a stupid suitcase.

Speaker 2:

Yes, it is such a great analogy. I'm sitting here thinking I'm like it has been like. I walk into my office some mornings and I look like the crazy bag lady, total crazy bag lady. I got shit on both arms and everybody's always like do you want me to help you with that? No, of course not, because I can do it myself. You know, I'm thinking like even just the analogy that you're talking about with, like packing light. I'm like I need a smaller backpack. I need to stop carrying all this stuff like it really truly is. Like I'm trying to do 15 things at once, which is why I have so many damn bags. But if you focus on that one thing and leave the other stuff behind, how beautiful can that one thing be For me?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah, wow, yeah, thank you. So we relate back to be insightful With the back Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

Wow, I love it. I. I want to ask you a question because when I was so excited for this podcast and I'm telling everybody I'm like you're gonna love jen, she's so cool. Like this is what she does and everybody's like she does what. Why does she do that? Like people would look at that like that would be like the worst job ever. Like isn't she sad all the time? Or you know things like that, I get it.

Speaker 2:

I'm also in an industry where people are like, ooh, why do you do that? You know what do you say to people when they say that to you. I'm sure people say, kind of, give you that cringy look when you say I'm a funeral director, I own a funeral home, or hey, jake, you should start a crematory. And he's like you know there's something to this. And I'm like why would you want to do that? Now I'm like having a conversation with you. I'm like what a like that's top level service that you can't give in other kinds of industries. So how do you, how do you have that conversation with people when they're that kind of snub at what you do for an occupation?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I love, I love, I love it because I hear it all the time, tanya, and this is what I share a lot and this is true personal story my job has actually helped me in my own living in this world, because of what I see I see different events it has made me like, seriously, I wake up in the morning I say thank you, I don't take anything for granted, not a single thing. And again, I'm not perfect, I'm not a master, I haven't mastered anything, but it is a reminder, constant reminder, for me to be thankful every day, because this life is a gift, this life is a gift and it's so short. So my job, it's like a reminder, right there. Life is like this, you remember, in my life, yeah, it goes so fast. So guess what? First of all, I don't take nothing for granted. I embrace everything. Oh my gosh, I wish I could just describe it. I'm about to speak Swahili. It's like I suck the juice out of life. Yes, Right.

Speaker 2:

What a beautiful world if more people would wake up with that kind of attitude. Though we live in a world where it's like I'll do it tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow, and you're over here sucking everything possible out of your day because you don't know if you have tomorrow, and you see that more than most of us do. So what have you like just could be so cool.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, and I have a challenge for all the ladies kicking ass here. I always have this analogy in my head. I say, if this was my last day and I'm on my deathbed, what would be my regret? And when you ask this question, just be honest with yourself. You know, even with grief, the best thing to do is to be honest with yourself, honest isn't? I mean you can't lie to yourself, right? So that question what would be your biggest regret? And the sad part is that I have seen I've sat with people at the end of their lives and people have different lists and stuff.

Speaker 3:

My mission in this little gift I've been given is to have none of that, to have no list at the end of my life. Like really and small things, like I want to go to visit Tanya, I will go visit Tanya if I want to talk to her. Like oh, I was thinking about this person. I don't wait till tomorrow. I send them a text and say, hey, thinking of you. If my children, I need to hug them and say I love you.

Speaker 3:

Like, whatever the list is, whatever the goodness of your heart wants to do, do it now. There's no tomorrow and we don't need to complicate it. It's just setting an intention and then you do it and follow through so that at the end of their life or some of us, will have a chance to have time to, you know, to meditate or talk about it maybe a sickness, we don't know how it will go. Some of us might not have that chance, but what I'm challenging you is to think every day, if this was my last day, what would be my regret, and that changes the way you live instantly. Wow.

Speaker 2:

So huge and it's kind of the opposite spectrum that a lot of people are like you know, like this is my bucket list, these are all the things I have to do, these are all the things you know. But if you really think about, like living a life that you don't have regrets, yeah it's so beautiful wow, and the way to do that.

Speaker 3:

let's not forget, it's about just looking at the rocks in our back part. Just be open, open. I'm a big advocate for therapy, even my children. I recommend therapy because the rocks some rocks are even put there by others without knowing. Yeah, someone might say something. I don't know, tanya, if you've experienced, but some people, just the way we're saying about the book, what to say, not to say Some people might say something or put a label on you and you don't process it, but you hear it, it hurts you a little bit and the rock goes in your back and you don't know how that affects how you live life absolutely, and we sometimes, you know, rocks are put in that backpack like and people don't even know that they did that.

Speaker 2:

You know, I think about that as a mother with my children. I'm like I'm trying to do the very best that I possibly can by my kids and I'm trying to show them things and I'm trying to be the best mom that I can. But every kid has some rocks in their backpack from something that happened in their childhood. Everybody does. But one of the beautiful things I think as a parent and what I hope people will get from this conversation is don't be ashamed of what's in that backpack, because in order to get rid of it you have to look at it and many times you might think there's nothing in there.

Speaker 2:

I've already dealt with that, maybe a part of it. Know, I think, about big life events that you know, even if it wasn't a death, that kind of had chunks to it. You know, like I went through a really, really awful divorce and then my ex-husband ended up leaving Like we haven't heard a word from him for my son's 11 now years. I don't know where he is, I don't know what is going on and although I feel like I've processed that divorce and I'm happily remarried now to a wonderful man, there's still that like rock of abandonment, that rock of like. You know what I? What do I say to my kids? Have I said the right things to my kids?

Speaker 2:

Because a lot of times too, we end up carrying rocks in our backpack that aren't our rocks to be carrying. I've tried to be the best mom I can to my kids, but I can't carry his rocks in my backpack for what he chose not to do or chose to do. And I think a lot of times, especially women, we will carry other people's rocks to help them feel better, but it's not our job to do that, and I think that's why the challenge of looking in your backpack to see what you're carrying, because even if you don't have a lot in there, if you are a people pleaser or you're that caregiver or you want to shelter or help people, oftentimes you're carrying stuff that's not even yours.

Speaker 2:

It affects you, it does, and I think those ones are even maybe heavier rocks, because you can't fix them, you don't know what to do with them and they just feel like they are stuck in there and you can't get them out. But how do you? How do you set them down and be okay with that? You know, and I'm sure, that there's things that you go through with your you know, with the grief, counseling and the connections that you guys have, how do you tell people that are maybe going through things like that that they're grieving, that really they can't do anything about it? How are you just okay with what it was? Maybe you don't get to being okay, you know, and maybe you have to accept that it just is what it is. Is there steps for people that really struggle with stuff like that?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, that's a good good. That's our whole program, tanya. That's our whole program. It's called Transforming your Grief to Growth and that's what we're working on. That's the program and I'm telling you it's a step by step and I'm just going to share one tool that we use on that program and it is so powerful where it's like a chat, okay, it's like a live chat.

Speaker 3:

We all have a chat of our life, okay, and we start with the dawn of memory, like the memory that you can remember. So, for example, I remember when I was one year old, I just remember my family having the biggest party and there was lights and everybody loved me. They were just passing me around. That's the memory that I have, and so we described how was that? For me? I just felt love, I saw joy, I saw everybody together. So I'm always having this memory of everybody together, right, and that's how my family lived, as I started, anyway, and then it goes there.

Speaker 3:

Then what happened after that? I was taken to a boarding school, because where I came from, boarding school, is kind of you get better education, all the things, but guess what? So, remember, my memory was like all these people. Then they put me on the end. Right, they put me in this boarding school and I was there for a long time. Like you go to school three months, you see your parents, three days, one week, two weeks I can't. Anyway, it was enough time. So how did I feel about that? Okay, so I felt abandoned, like, really, like you just took me out of my home. Now you're going to put me in a school. Right, in Canada they call them residential school, I think you know boarding school. I hope your listeners will get that image of a boarding school. You go to school, you stay there, and then you have one week off Okay, after that, you go to school, you stay there, and then you have one week off Okay, after that.

Speaker 3:

So we map out your life through those stages, like mine. So, boarding school, and then there's a time I was sick and we measure the intensity of emotions that came through this mapping out. And let me tell you, by the time we had done that process of mapping out your life, and let me tell you, by the time we had done that process of mapping out your life ear, whatever you remember you will see a pattern and that's the pattern of the rocks in your background. And then so we go through this. We put the intensity of emotions how did we deal with it Till then, we map it out, and then now we use the tools who, what do we have to let go? Who do we have to apologize? Who do we like? There's a whole system about and that's how. That's the toolbox I'm talking about. We have two, some five tools in the program that we use and then so we walk people through all these tools until you start walking light with a little back. Yeah, and it's work. So every time an event happens, you go through this toolbox I'm talking about and see how do I unpack what? How was this rock? Like you said, if you don't see it, you won't deal with it. So we pull it out and talk about it and what? What do we need to do Sometimes in life?

Speaker 3:

And some people believe in forgiveness, some people don't believe. It doesn't matter, but we just an example, let's use forgiveness. Sometimes we need to forgive ourselves, yes, or forgive others. And how do you let it go? So we have tools also how we do that. Maybe it's an apology, and here is the biggest story. You don't need to go apologize to the person who offended you. We have methodologies where you apologize. You've heard about using a chair or something or someone you trust. You write a letter. It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing that we walk our friends through and we've seen like great release.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and that's what it is. It is a release. Yeah, it's a big release.

Speaker 3:

It's like a big like. I know. I know for sure. There's no day we won't have a rock in our backpack. It is life okay, but the key is it's going to be lighter, it's going to be light, and then I'm like I need a lighter backpack.

Speaker 2:

Yes, we need a lighter backpack. Oh my gosh. Yes, oh, so good. Because, you know, going into this conversation, you think, oh, we're talking about a funeral home, we're talking about what this looks like. This is what I do as a job, you know.

Speaker 2:

But just like we have been able to have the conversation today, there's so many things that grief encompasses and it's like the moment, you know, I think about. Like my father-in-law had a very, very long bout with pancreatic cancer and he had it for almost two years and they did it and then they had a surgery and then he was kind of in remission and then it came back with a vengeance. And it's really interesting because the second that someone learns that they have cancer, or we learned that he had cancer, was like it's almost like a grieving process starts then, like this isn't what we thought. You know, I know my husband has been like, you know, I never thought I'd lose my dad when he was so young. You know, my dad when he was so young, you know.

Speaker 2:

And that grieving process kind of starts. Sometimes you're going through the motions with them while they're still here, and now they're gone, and then there's a whole nother grieving process after that and sometimes people I know this has kind of been a thing with in our family. Some people acknowledge like that they're gone and they, you know, celebrated at different parts, like their birthday, or still celebrating my Christmas, or you know even the anniversary of when they passed. Some people like just don't talk about it anymore.

Speaker 3:

Do you think either one of those is a more healthy way of dealing with that. I love that. That's a good question. I actually believe and this is from personal experience we are so different and we will breathe very differently. Some people would rather not Some people this. So the key is to respect that we are all different and we cannot compare ourselves.

Speaker 3:

And I'm going to tell you a story. My husband and I had a loss in our workplace, like our colleague, and he actually took his own life. And it was so devastating, like it's somebody like I worked with him, like we, you know. So it was so devastating and I was so devastated and I'm telling you, oh my god, like I can't, like I'll just cry, I'll see him everywhere. And, yeah, my husband would make fun and remember the jokes he used to make and I'll get so offended because I was thinking, why would you be laughing when we've lost him? Right?

Speaker 3:

And then, through this program and doing this work and trying to learn every day, like I learned, oh, that's how he processed his loss, so he died, that he grieves his own way. I guess he has to bring humor, yeah, and I was like, let's sit and cry and scream together. And yeah, so what I'm saying is that it's actually very, very important for all of us to know we grieve different, and this is even especially I've seen it of it many times. Let's say, a couple loses a child, which is so devastating yes, I don't have the statistics, but the statistics of them staying together like it's not good. And you know why? Yeah, because they will grieve different, they will process different, and that's where you need like that's's. I believe in grief counseling, grief therapy, support, because to understand that you're two different humans who are going to process different is key. Otherwise, you will actually separate because of that loss.

Speaker 2:

Oh, for sure, For sure, and it's crazy, sure, and it's. It's crazy. Like you were using in your example the picture, if you will, of what you think like grief in the dictionary, and the picture everybody cries and it's just this big sad day. You know, my husband and I have been working towards like getting all of like new stuff done in our wills, right, and we're talking about like when we go. It's not if you got to make these plans, you know, like when we go, these are the things like I don't want to have a like crazy, sappy, sad funeral. Like I want everybody to get together and have some beers and hang out and build a big ass bonfire and like have the celebration of life, of what my life was. I don't want to be like this, this sad, you know thing like great, I know that. But let's talk about the good things.

Speaker 2:

I've always told my kids I'm like if you have an open casket funeral, I will haunt you for the rest of your life, and not in a good way. I will wake up and I will close it in front of you and you're never going to forget it, because I'm so adamant about like that's not how I want to go out and I think for me that has been like seeing my grandparents when they've passed and the open casket funeral, and I was like that does not look like my grandma at all, but because like seeing them like that, just like stuck in my head, and so like the first thing when I'd start thinking about stuff is like oh, like that just wasn't a good experience for me. So I think it's very interesting how people will look at stuff. You know some people are going to be like, yes, I want to be in full glory here, I want everyone to see me, I want you to touch me when you walk by and know that I'm gone. You know I'm like I could be shot up in the air, like I really don't care. You know, like I want to have a party.

Speaker 2:

But we have to celebrate and many people, especially I think, when religion kind of comes into things and culture things comes in, it's like how dare they do that? Like how disrespectful. But I'm interested to learn like is it? Is it more often that you see people kind of having like the traditional kind of sad funerals to send people off, having like the traditional kind of sad funerals to send people off, or are you starting to see more people have celebrations of life and have those things that maybe are a non-traditional way of you know? It's not really a celebration, but the send off. You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm like I'm good with all these words.

Speaker 3:

No, you're so good, tanya, you're doing so good. First of all, let me just start by saying it is so beautiful what you just said and I find, if we live intentionally and live the life, that it's an understanding, that is a gift. You're living intentional with everything you do. You're working life. You want a celebration? Ok, so I can see why you need a celebration. So the challenge of all of us is to be like Tanya, like let's live life, let's celebrate life so that when we're gone, we're gone, it's not time to. You know, yes, there's emotions to miss us, there's emotions, but that's not the big picture because we live. So I love, love what you just said.

Speaker 3:

So, in today's world, what we are seeing, there's actually a shift. I feel like there's a shift in the industry where people are more celebrating the life. Okay, the people are not doing the more traditional way anymore. So there's a shift. However, the more traditional comes when it's a sudden, sometimes like, of course, sudden. Oh yeah, kids, accidents, like, very, like this, this, this. Then it there's more because everybody has deep questions that, if you want to know, when people ask deeper questions and they go deeper, it's like what is the meaning of life and death. It's when there's a big, sudden, unexpected oh my goodness, why them right? Then people actually need that traditional, maybe religious, to get some hope and get some questions answered.

Speaker 3:

That's what I've experienced. Yeah, however, tanya, I'm not going to lie to you, I'm like you. No, no, no, no, I want people to like I've experienced. Yeah, however, tanya, I'm not going to lie to you, I'm like you. No, no, no, no, I want people to. I've even told my mom she lives very far. I said, mom, when I die, don't even think that you're coming for the funeral. You know I will be buried Right. And we had to agree on that because I said, mom, I want to be remembered me like the way I am and the people that I love we've talked already, they don't need to come see me.

Speaker 2:

Like, don't wait until then, let's talk today. Yeah, don't wait till I'm gone. That's gonna be a very good conversation. But so many times you're like, oh, I have time or I'm thinking about this. I am such a huge believer in when somebody is on your heart and you're thinking about people, like there's a reason for that and I think, if anything, coming together in all of this, it's like don't wait till tomorrow to do the things that you know you can do today. You know, reach out to your friends. Stop, read the book. If you want to read the book.

Speaker 2:

You know like I love listening to people that work with hospice and they talk about they're such special people. Oh my god, I just feel like they're angels. But just hearing people talk about, like what people talk about when they're basically on their deathbed, like they know, you know, it's a terminal illness and what they talk about Nobody talks about. Like I should have worked more, you know, like I should have. I should have bought this I should have. You know, it's not about possessions, it's not about money. This I should have, you know, it's not about possessions, it's not about money. It's not about working.

Speaker 2:

It's not like all these things that we're achieving so much so, but people want their family, they want their friends, they want their animals, they want their like all those things that just make us human. You know that we can robots can work and they can do all these things, and if we've seen anything, there's so much that is even being taken over by AI and robots and all these things, like you, can always be replaced at work. You can always be replaced in in those high achieving things. Somebody's always achieving more than you are, and it's great to want more of those things, but don't forget about the things that matter most, like reach out to those people that you love your friends.

Speaker 2:

You know, if you feel like I don't have any friends, I don't have anything. That's what this community is for, you know. Reach out to us. We'd love to cheer you on. You know. It's just so important that you don't wait in hopes that. You know it's going to get better someday. It's going to do this. You know, what can we do today to try to move that forward and take that rock out of your backpack, you know.

Speaker 3:

I love it. Tanya, two points that you just said and I can tell time is running. Anyway, one thing you know what you're right. So let me start by love wayne dyer illustration. He cut a pocket out of his suit to remind himself he's not taking anything with him when he's gone.

Speaker 3:

I love that illustration so much, but okay, so what does that mean? That? Just what you said we need more relationships. We need more like the memories we create with people we love, because the things that work, yes, they're good, but those relationships are key, okay. However, what stops us from having those relationships when your backpack is so full? It does ruin relationships, because when your backpack is so full, you might have all the things going well in your world, but you're just like the pressure that even you're so grumpy, nobody wants to be around you and then you don't have a nice relationship with people. So, if we walk light, be grateful in our hearts, cut that pocket out of our suit and know we will take it with us and be open when you see people, just greet them with love. I love what Brendan said. When he makes eye contact with someone, he says I wish you love, health and something else. But isn't that such a beautiful saying. Like he just loves random people. I don't love random people.

Speaker 2:

That's it. That's the theme of the whole podcast. Just love random people. Seriously Like, how many times do you like see people like on the road driving People are so pissed off they're flipping people off. They're doing all this and honking and freaking out and I'm like, just wait, smile, it makes them more upset and it's so crazy that smiling can make people upset.

Speaker 2:

But it's just truly like what you said about Brendan. When that guy looks at you, he looks like he's pulling your soul out, but he's really connecting with you. And if you really want to make people feel something, look at them, look them in the eyes, and if you really want to feel something, do that to yourself in the mirror. I know I was listening to jamie kern lima um ed, my let was on jamie kern lima's and she was talking to him about that and she said when was the last time you really looked yourself in the mirror? And he lost it, which of course, makes me lose it and I was just like, oh my gosh, but if you really get into the stillness of stuff and look at yourself in the mirror, if you can't have a good relationship with yourself, you sure as hell can't have good relationships with anybody else.

Speaker 2:

No, and that starts by looking at all of the stuff we've been talking about today. I think so many times people feel so ashamed of things. Being ashamed of things is such a waste of time. It really is Like if things have happened and you've done something wrong, apologize for it and move on. But why do we have to carry that shame with us for so long? Sometimes we are carrying shame and it's not even shameful things to anybody else. I know that's been a problem for me in like my current marriage, even like things that happened in my other marriage, and I was just like I had still had those rocks carrying them around. I was like it was like this shameful thing. And now I can have those conversations with my husband now and he's like why, why would you feel shameful for that? Like that's not yours, you know, but it's so interesting, like really looking at the relationship with yourself first so that you can have those beautiful relationships with other people. So I just love this.

Speaker 3:

Next time make it three hours. I cannot believe it's time yet like I've had it just felt like we just sat here and had a beautiful visit with a good cup of tea with my friend. Thank you so much. Yes, this has been great.

Speaker 2:

Oh my gosh, it is so beautiful and I knew it would be like this and we'll just have to have another one so we can continue conversations. But before you leave, because I have to ask everyone this question Number one if people want to connect with you online, jennifer, where is the best place for them to find you?

Speaker 3:

I love it. The best place is Instagram and it's Jennifer Tom SLC, and which means Stronger Life Connections, and our website is long. I'll text you. It's stronger life connections.

Speaker 2:

I have it already, girl. I'll just put it in the show notes and it'll be a quick little click of a link so that they can get to you. Um, I love that so much. So many amazing resources.

Speaker 2:

And remember this isn't just if you've experienced a physical death. This can be the loss of anything that is going on in your life, and I want to check out the program that you were talking about, because there's stuff that you know we're all dealing with, stuff I think we can always. These are the tools that you can't have enough of. I really, really feel like that, because shit just hits you in different angles and you need to be able to bat it all away.

Speaker 2:

But at the end of this podcast, jennifer, I always ask everybody because I'm fascinated with the way people react. When I say, hey, I have a podcast, it's called Ladies Kicking Ass, and instantly people perk up. And if they perk up, I know they're my people. And when I met you at Ultra and we were talking about it and I said that, your eyes perked up and I was like she's one of my people, she's one of my people. So, in the interest of being one of my dear people, when you hear the phrase ladies kicking ass. What does that mean to you in your life?

Speaker 3:

Oh, my gosh, what a beautiful question. I just love that you didn't even prepare me for this. This is so great. Like I love ladies kicking ass, I just feel like powerful at this power, this flow, this beauty, those three things. I don't know why they came to me, but I feel power, flow and beauty, and those combined is ladies kicking ass for sure.

Speaker 2:

Oh, oh well, you are all three of those things, my sweet friend. So thank you so much for spending your time with us today, and until next time, ladies, keep kicking ass, yes.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for being part of the ladies kicking ass community. Cheers to all you badass women out there. Keep rocking your power, igniting your fire and making waves in the service industry. If you loved today's episode, please do me a quick favor. Take a screenshot, post it and tag us at Ladies Kickin' Ass. Be sure to include the link to your favorite episode. Your support in spreading the word means the world to us as we aim to empower even more women. Hit that subscribe button to stay tuned for more kick-ass episodes. And don't forget a five-star review is the ultimate high five. Connect with us on social media. All the links are in the show notes. Thank you for being part of our tribe. Now go kick some serious ass, lady.

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Tanya Wilson

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